So the other night I was surfing the web in my home office and got drunk dialed by a scientist.

“Who’s this?” the person demanded, after a longer-than-expected pause when I answered the phone. “I’m Tom Campbell,” I said. “How can I help you?” “Oh, I thought you were a recording,” she explained, speaking with unself-conscious, exaggerated care. I told her I get that a lot. There’s something artificial about the way I answer the phone, maybe sort of overmodulated. Not really sure what I can do about it, but sorry.

Another pause.

“I’m trying to reach eSnipe,” she said a bit belligerently. “Who’s this?” A little weird to be the this in “Who’s this?” Why not just ask who are you? Who’s this doesn’t make a lot of sense. Whatever. “I’m the CEO,” I replied. “Is there something I can help you with?”

At this point just insert inappropriate pauses at random mentally. I’ll stop detailing each one. There were just too many.

“No you’re not,” she said slowly, maybe carefully.

“I’m sorry?”

“You can’t be. You’re not the CEO of eSnipe. Are you?”

I assured her that I was the CEO.

“That’s bleeping amazing. Really? You answered the bleeping phone, and you’re the CEO? I don’t believe it.” She wasn’t really using the word “bleeping”, but this is a family blog.  ”There’s a problem with your site.” “Happy to help you, but if it’s a support issue I’m the wrong guy. I don’t know how to use the support software but our people are really good. They usually get back to you within a few minutes during the business day. What seems to be the problem? If it’s an easy one I might be able to point you in the right direction.”

She veered right back to the theme that seemed most comfortable to her. “You answered the bleeping phone, at like, what time of night?” “I think it’s about 10:30 here in Washington state.” “Wow. I mean, no CEO ever answers the phone, and not at like 11:30 or whatever. Is it really that late?” Ah… Yes.”Do you know your phone number is published like that? Anyone can call you. Do you want to be doing that?” “I don’t mind. People like you pay the bills. I figure anyone clever enough to track down my phone number probably has a good reason. What’s the problem?”

“About what?” she asked.

This time the pause was mine.

“Um, you said you had a problem?”

No answer.

“You called me a moment ago, and asked if I knew the problem was with my site.”

“Oh yeah,” she said, suddenly chipper. “That’s cool. I don’t even remember it. I’m drinking a little. I still can’t believe you answered your phone. That’s bleeping outrageous. You are so bleeping cool. I can’t believe you thought of a business like this. I love it. I love how people can, you know, take an idea and run with it. It’s bleeping brilliant.  You’re like, an inventor or something.”

I allowed as how I hadn’t thought of the idea. I just bought the business, almost 9 years ago at this point. ”But you… but you… that’s OK, even if you didn’t invent it, I never would have thought of that. It’s a bleeping great site!”

The conversation wore on like that, and eventually I discovered that even an ego as gigantic as mine can live without the sugar rush of compliments from someone who is not only stoned out of her gourd, but who has a memory span approximately three sentences long. I tried to steer the conversation back on course, and hit upon the obvious. Even drunk, most people can talk about themselves fairly articulately.

Most people.

“What do you use eSnipe for?” I love hearing why people use eSnipe. The answers are fascinating much more often than not. After the requisite pause she said “I’m a researcher at the Centers for Disease Control.” “Most cool! And what does a researcher at CDC buy on eBay?” “Well, I don’t want to get personal. I don’t really feel comfortable doing that.” But you felt comfortable drunk dialing a stranger, forgetting why you called, and spending 1o minutes telling him how bleeping brilliant he was?

As the conversation slid downhill I pondered options for terminating it, then realized that subtlety would not be required. “Well, I appreciate your calling, and if you ever do figure out what it was that bothered you, feel free to email me at the same address where you found my phone number.” “Oh yeah. Where did I get your number, anyway? I still can’t believe how bleeping cool it is that the CEO would answer it.” “It’s my cell phone, so I pretty much always answer it. Thanks for calling and don’t forget support next time!” Somehow it worked and she hung up happy.

All in all, not as interesting as the porn star who called me the first year I took the reins at eSnipe, back when I did in fact handle all support. At least Dr. Inebriate’s call didn’t result in a threat of dismemberment from my wife.